Being Who You Want To Be

Hi readers, thanks for continuing to visit my blog or for reading this posting arrived into your email.

20150125-162409.jpg

By this time I am settled in Manila, Philippines starting my latest travel adventure. I decided to begin this adventure in the Wanderers Guest House in the city of Malate (Metro Manila is a collection of cities, and Malate is one of the most central). Really it is a hostel where I will have my own room but will be able to meet fellow travellers, hopefully Filipino as well as international. Following this stay I will be joining a homestay in another central city of Metro Manila before making my way to interesting scenarios further afield.

There is generally a lag between my travel adventures and when I get a chance to share them with you but this one is another non-travel posting written while visiting friends in Cobb County, Georgia with some photos inserted from my current location in Manila.

The image below is a short clip walking the streets of Manila, click on the image to play. If you received this post by email, click on the title in blue to open this posting into your browser so you can also play the video.

“I don’t know who I am anymore,” he had said and I listened. I understood, I had been there myself.

I thought back through the years to when I struggled with my own identity the most, struggling to discover who I was early in university at age 18,19. Before I had accepted many things about myself. I wished I could change things about my nature that were unchangeable. Being inherently introverted. Being highly sensitive. Being creative. Wanting to fall in love with a man instead of a woman. This last one caused me my greatest grief. (I value all of these today as some of my greatest gifts.)

20150125-162819.jpg

I held to my conviction that all mankind is created equal. This helped me struggling with low self-esteem. Deep down I felt I was worth less than those around me. That I was broken and unlovable. But I’d remind myself that all of us are of equal value. I knew and felt that the poor man was as valuable as the rich, that a good-looking person was no better than a plain person. That we all had something within us to be cherished. Even me.

20150125-163004.jpg
One’s value is not determined by status. The person who found this public space to air their laundry is worth as much as the person whose housekeeper does theirs. When I see a scene like this, I think of the life of the person behind the scene.
.

“You don’t need to know who you are,” I said to him after some moments of reflection. “You just need to know who you want to be. Within the limits of accepting your own nature and embracing your fixed character traits. Who you want to be is who you can be. Because who you are is constantly changing.”

Because who we are is mostly a collection of behaviours. And we can change most of our behaviours. We can focus to be more kind, more generous. more loving. We can take action to be less hurtful, less aggressive, less controlling. We may need the aid of a good therapist to figure these things out if we find it impossible to break our knee-jerk reactions, but there is nothing stopping you from making the effort to be more like the person you want to be starting today.

20150125-163813.jpg
Who we are is mostly a collection of behaviours. Think about how your job becomes a part of your identity, because it is what you do. I’ve had times when who I was – was a teacher in Japan. -was an office worker in Edinburgh. -was an espresso bar manager in London. -was an artist in Toronto. -was an actor and tour guide in Fredericton. -was a recruiter in China. -was a student. -was a substitute teacher in Winnipeg. -was a retail business owner in Winnipeg. What we do is changeable, not just for work but how we behave in all areas of our life.
.

We all have our shortcomings but hopefully we all have ideals as to how we want to act, behave, and be in various situations. Often we react poorly and disappoint ourselves. But we can learn from our mistakes and improve. We can work towards being who we want to be in many different domains. It is well-known now that we cannot work towards being straight if we are gay, that is a fixed trait. But for character traits that actually matter, we can strive to improve.

20150125-164343.jpg
A closer view of someone’s laundry hanging to dry in Metro Manila, Philippines.
.

Make a list of who you want to be as if it is true today.

What you value as important, is who you are. Or at least it can be, if you choose to make it so.

You may not be that yet, but you can work towards it. Changing automatic responses takes time, patience, and perseverance. But you can teach yourself to respond with kindness (for example) by being mindful to notice when you did not and promising yourself to behaving differently in the future. And then doing it.

Mine was something like this.

Who I am is someone who is:
-Kind, especially to those who deserve or need kindness.
-Generous and giving of myself and what I have. (But not overly generous, anymore. There needs to be balance. Too many people will take as much as you will give without consideration to you. I learned this the hard way.)
-Thoughtful of others thoughts and feelings.
-Polite and respectful with others behaviours, ideas, and values. (But also with my own.)
-Patient with myself and with others.

We can all benefit from stepping back, looking at ourselves, and deciding what values and behaviours we want more of and holding ourselves to a higher standard.

I’m going to make my own new list in my journal right now, as part of my starting 2015 on the right foot. Why don’t you do the same? It will only take a few minutes and it can only bring good.

20150125-165117.jpg

Why 2015 Is Going To Be Great!

20150117-171301.jpg
I left Canada on Jan 6th and here is a pic of my gratitude notes with me today from 2015. (Refer to my previous post if you don’t know what I’m talking about.) I’m using a stack of origami paper rather than a tear-off notepad at the moment.

______________________
I’m still in Acworth, Georgia, a suburb of Atlanta, preparing for my soon departure for Manila, Philippines. I don’t really consider this travel, as I am visiting with long-time friends who I know well and the purpose of my visit was to spend time with them, it’s like being with family. So this is another non-travel posting.

Before I move on, I want to add another gratitude practice that my friends here do every single night with their two daughters. Last thing before bed, the family sits in the living room with their pajamas on and teeth brushed. After their daily prayer, they then go around the room and give account of what they are thankful for that day. It is a beautiful practice and a wonderfully positive way to end each day. The process of making yourself think about what you are grateful for during the day calls to remembrance that you have things to be grateful for. It also reinforces those happy memories rather than replaying the negative memories, a wonderful thing to do right before bed.

This practice differs from keeping gratitude notes, in that with the notes you will generally want to write down novel situations whereas at the end of the day, you might be most grateful for many of the same things every night. (Grateful for loving family, grateful to be able to eat healthy food, grateful to live in a free country, grateful for your loving friends, grateful for your employment . . . ) It’s good not to take for granted the amazing things we enjoy in life.

20150118-093707.jpg
More non-travel pics for this posting. I first started painting as a hobby in Matsuyama, Japan, which is also where I met my friends in here near Atlanta. Previous to that my main hobbies had been signing and acting. I also took a Japanese flower-arranging class at the same time, so my arrangements provided subjects for my first paintings. These first paintings were drawn with ink and then painted. This is around 1999.
.
Why 2015 Is Going To Be Great!

This is another exercise I came upon recently, that I think is pretty great.

You’ve probably noticed that I have made no mention of “New Year Resolutions” in my New Year postings. The change of the calendar can be a good time to reflect on what is working for you and what is not – what is moving you towards the life you want and what is not. In that practice, making mental stock and writing down what you want to change is a great idea. Just don’t wait for the new year to start changing your life/living the life you want to live. Start changing your life today and every day. Even if you love your life exactly as it is, it takes work to maintain healthy and happy relationships and to keep the love flowing. When you remain still, you slide backwards.

The following is another practice that can help you have more happy days in 2015.

The exercise I came upon was to start each day by deciding why your day is going to be a great day. Do this when you wake-up, thinking about what good is going to come from your day, rather than letting your mind wander into worrying or fretting about what could go wrong or what you are dreading. Focus on the positive rather than the negative, and make more of what you want happen rather than more of what you don’t want. (You get more of what you focus on.)

That is the entire exercise. But I decided it can go further. Anyway, let’s start there.

Complete this sentence every day:

Today is going to be a great day because _____________________________________________.

This simple activity will help start your focus on the positive. We can dwell on all sorts of reasons why it’s not going to be a great day – it’s really cold, I have to work, it’s Monday, it’s garbage day, I have to do the shopping today – but that is only a good idea if you want to have an unhappy day.

How much better to focus on why your day is going to be great? Because my family is healthy, because I have a job to afford my life, because I have a car to be able to get to the store, because I can afford groceries, because I live in a warm home and have a warm coat and even though it’s cold I am not freezing myself. Because I have plenty my household has created rubbish, and it won’t just sit there rotting either, there is a collection service – I don’t even have to transport it away, I just have to take it to the curb!

Mine today: This is going to be a great day because I will enjoy another day with my friends near Atlanta, I will talk to my boyfriend on the phone, I will be able to get to the gym and work towards my fitness goals, and I’ll enjoy a nice dinner with friends and their family who are coming over tonight.

20150118-094329.jpg
Another of my earliest paintings from 1999, of a Japanese-syle flower arrangement (called Ikebana).
.
Here is where I have extended the exercise to be more global.

Complete this sentence:

This week is going to be a great week because ________________________________________.

Many of us fret and worry that our week is going to hold all sorts of hardship. How much better is it to face our challenges knowing that in fact during the week, hundreds of little things are all going right. Your car will probably not break down, your dishwasher will probably clean dishes well enough to save you some effort, you will probably be able to do your laundry in a machine that makes that easier . . . if you have a loving partner even with ups and downs you are not alone . . . or because you are single you can enjoy the freedom that brings you whether or not you are looking for a partner. . . . because you love your children . . . , because you’re moving towards a goal you have set . . .

Mine this week:This is going to be a great week because on Monday I’ll be able to talk to my family by phone, I will enjoy a final night with friends here before on Tuesday I depart for the Philippines where I’ll be starting another great adventure!

Believe it or not, I could fret over the 37 hours of travel ahead of me. I could worry about arriving in Manila after flights to Chicago and Tokyo. I could fret that my accommodation might be less than I hoped, that I might get lost, that it might be too hot without air conditioning, that I won’t be able to sleep from the 13 hour time difference, that I could get taken advantage of by a taxi driver who wants to cheat my fare or try to take me to “his friends hotel, the one you want is closed, sir”. But I choose to know that this week is going to be great. Things will go wrong, they always do, but in the end I know I will be alive and well.

20150118-094600.jpg
These paintings are not very clearly photographed because they are framed behind glass and hanging in my Dad’s house in New Brunswick.
.
Complete this sentence:

This is going to be a great month because: ________________________________________________.

Rather than focusing on that this is going to be a hard month because I miss my boyfriend so much and I wish he were with me and I’m worried about being lonely without him – I choose to be thankful that :

Mine this month: This is going to be a great month because I love and feel loved by my boyfriend even though he will be far away, and by my friends and family even though they are far away, and I’m thankful that we will be able to keep in touch with the internet – how lucky are we to have the internet! And it’s going to be great because I’m going to meet lots of new people and make some new friends in Asia, have lots of new experiences, and create some great adventures to write about to further my goal towards having a publishable collection of stories.

20150118-095214.jpg
This painting took me a week to complete all the details, it was not one I could feasibly sell at the price-point I was able to charge as a mostly unknown artist. Listed at $800 (a bargain considering that time effort in Toronto) it never sold from multiple shows including the One of A Kind Show. The original hangs in my mother’s home in New Brunswick. I ended-up making paintings that took much less time so that I could afford to charge much less and still make a living, and in the end I was just painting products for sale and didn’t care about it any more. (Completely different experience for hobby artists who may not by trying to charge for their time as an income.)

I think you know what is coming. Why 2015 Is Going To Be Great!

2015 is going to be a great year because: _________________________________________________.

Now, hopefully we can all do more than a sentence. But think about what you most want to achieve in 2015 and believe that you can do that. Think about upcoming events and challenges and know that you can rise above them. Acknowledge that if a door closes for you, it means that you are supposed to find another door. Sometimes our path takes turns that we don’t expect and that we cannot see the immediate purpose of, but it is still our path.

Mine this year: 2015 is going to be a great year because I no longer suffer anxiety and depression and I am able to share love and kindness with friends and family better than ever before. Because I love and am loved by my family and friends. Because I am enjoying the freedom to travel and find stories to write about. Because I will take a great writing course in April and May that will improve my writing. Because I will enjoy travels with my boyfriend and create life-long memories with family during a family wedding in Tuscany this coming summer. Because I am able to pursue my health and fitness goals and feel great because of that. Mostly 2015 is going to be great because I have started it with the greatest love I have experienced in twenty years.

Now don’t just read it – do it!

20150118-203912.jpg

20150118-204145.jpg

Thank you for visiting my blog! I hope you will join me on my adventures by clicking on “Follow” to the right of your screen and entering your email address to receive my postings to your inbox. You can unfollow with a single click on any email you receive from me, and you will receive nothing apart from my blog postings. Cheers! Darren

Thank You 2014!

Happy New Year!

I wanted to write a Thank You to 2014 as I now spend time in Cobb County with friends near Atlanta, Georgia, USA. If you don’t use the practice (often called the gratitude jar) I highly encourage you to. It’s simple and a great way to shift your focus to the positive.

Give yourself the gift of making the most of your happy moments!

-Carry a note pad with tear-away sheets and keep your mind open to noticing things you should be grateful for. (Or keep it at home – somewhere you will notice every day.)
-When you notice something you are grateful for (or should be grateful for – you can practice this even when you’re not feeling it) write it down and fold the sheet to put your note into a jar. (Your gratitude jar. I put it in a gratitude ziplock bag myself because I’m always travelling.)
-At the end of the year, you can look at all the notes you collected, remembering the good and inspiring times you had throughout the year. Focusing on the love you felt, the joy you experienced, and the challenges you rose above will lead to more of the same in the coming year.
Keep your notes of gratitude, compile a list, make a collage, or just file them away with your memorabilia to refer to again. (I have not done mine yet and I don’t have my 2014 gratitude notes with me.)
-The focus of looking for things to be grateful for will help improve your focus to look for the positive and will increase your overall happiness and well-being.

20150110-121259.jpg
A close-up of a painting from my “Dancing with Flowers” collection, from when I was an artist.

What are you thankful for from 2014?

Why not take a few moments to think about that. Jot a few things down.

I am grateful that I was able to have a reunion tour in the winter of 2014. On a road trip down the Eastern seaboard I reconnected with dear friends from my past, many whom I had not seen for a decade or more. I am also learning to reconnect more meaningfully with new people I meet.

I am thankful that I was able to spend time with family.

I am grateful that I was able to devote time to writing.

I am thankful that I was able to join groups that felt purposeful, and met people I felt I was meant to meet. And that one thing led to another, one person led to another. With forward motion came more forward motion.

I am grateful that I had more love in my life by the end of 2014 than I had at the beginning.

I am thankful I met a number of people who have become special to me during 2014. One in particular who will likely be a central figure in my life.

I am grateful for my loving friends and family.

I am thankful to be alive and well.

Stay tuned for my next new year posting – “Why 2015 Is Going To Be Great!”

20150110-204701.jpg

Join my adventures by clicking on “Follow” and enter your email address to receive my posts by email.