My Autumn Journey Part Four : Reconnecting
Learning to Live a Wholehearted Life
In this posting I share some photos of paintings I did. I was an artist professionally in the early 2000s. These ones are from one style I played with, but I played with a variety of styles.
In parts one, two and three of My Autumn Journey I focused on the teachings of Brene Brown and the universal need to love and belong. Through extensive research, Brown had discovered that the common quality of people who feel loved, is that they feel worthy of being loved. I don’t know if it’s just me, but I feel like right now there is a societal movement away from pretension and towards authenticity. Away from pretending all is perfect and always showing a brave face – to exposing our imperfections to connect more deeply with others. A recognition that we all have our struggles and challenges.
If you are joining me for the first time, I’d recommend joining my Autumn Journey from Part One.
Thanks for coming along for the ride.
I have often written about how I left my life in Winnipeg in May, 2012 and started my current journey back to becoming the person I was meant to be. Throughout my life I have fluctuated further from and closer to my authentic self, but for sure by the end of that chapter I was as far away as I could have become. I say this because I had hit rock bottom, to the degree that my will to live was very weak. I was self-destructing.
2013 was mostly about adventures and having the feeling of moving forward by physically moving forward, mostly in India and England. I focused on regaining my health mentally and physically.
2014 has mostly been about relationships. Including repairing old wounds, self-acceptance, and continuing to move forward in all areas of my life.
2015 will be about cultivating love and taking my writing to a new level.
I have had chapters where I’ve made loving friends in the past, but they have been chapters. I knew some great people in Edinburgh, but then they were no longer part of my life. I made very loving friends in Japan, but then I was alone and isolated again. Especially in those days before Facebook and email that moved with you, and affordable long distance calling.
In 2014 I had planned to winter in Asia but I changed my plans instead to take a reunion tour of the Eastern US, where a number of friends who had been very dear to me in Japan now live. The time since I had last seen them, or even contacted beyond sending a Christmas Card, ranged from ten years to seventeen. It became a healing journey where I loved and felt loved. (In 2015 I again plan to winter in Asia, but again my plan may change direction as I follow the ebb and flow of where I feel I am meant to be. Already my expectation of duration is changing due to a scenario I did not imagine. More on that in future posts.)
I had so many years when I had no one-to-one friendships, from an early age all through my development years I had lots of “friends” but I felt friendless. I didn’t think anyone would accept me so I only had friends in groups. This was a tendency I repeated and returned to throughout my life, my default was to feel unworthy of having friends.
The week after I turned 40, in October, 2013, I joined a discussion group in Toronto. This turned-out to be an amazing group where we discuss things that matter in a non-judgemental and very supportive setting. Members share our deepest regrets, our darkest secrets, our biggest challenges. Things that are normally hard to bring-up. I had lots of issues I wanted to work on, things from my past that I wanted to revisit and find clarity about and things in my present that I was not satisfied with. I had already broken out of my depression, changed my lifestyle with regards to health (eating healthfully, exercising regularly, drinking far less, and I quit smoking) but I was still suffering social anxieties. And I was not where I wanted to be emotionally. I had already been working on reducing my anxieties by pushing through my fears to do things and to reduce their power.
I hadn’t realised until I was in Montreal (Aug, Sept, Oct 2014), that by sharing our shameful secrets in this group, perhaps the biggest thing we were actually doing was removing the shame around them. In her book, “The Gifts of Imperfection”, Brene Brown tells us that to be healed from shame, we need to feel EXPOSED and LOVED and ACCEPTED – all at the same time. The group, led by a loving psychologist, provided this. The more deeply and vulnerably one member shared, the more deeply and vulnerable the other members shared too. And we loved each other for it. For our imperfections. Our imperfections make us human.
My initial behaviour at the group was to push myself to share very authentically in the group. I would even decide beforehand what I wanted to deal with so that I would move deeply, rather than just attending to see what happened. But each evening as soon as the group ended, I would bolt out the door and run home. A complete return to highschool. I tended to be an integral and even central member of groups, with no personal contact outside.
I was expecting acceptance in the group, but still fearing rejection outside of it – by the very same members. A very unhealthy mental loop to be replaying. I recognised this and shared it with the group leader because it was an isolation tactic that I wanted to break. He challenged me to accept every invite thereafter, to make my default a “yes” rather than a “no” until I have broken my habit. I started to meet members after the group for coffee, and I started contacting individual members to meet-up completely away from the group. This was new behaviour for me. I was learning how to create meaningful friendships I had not learned how to do growing-up. And I was learning that I am worthy of those friendships.
My experience in the group is what inspired me to reunite with friends who had been dear in my past. I would not have had the worthiness to reach out after so many years without that experience. I would have told myself that maybe we were very close only because we were expats in Japan. We were a tight little community, we only had each other. We were like family because our families were thousands of miles away. I was only worthy of such loving friendships in that very specific situation.
I was wrong.
I set out in the winter of 2013/2014 on a road trip and I proved myself wrong again-and-again, all the way down the US Eastern seaboard. Time and distance had not broken my love for my friends, nor their love for me. I was re-learning my worthiness of love and belonging.
Thank you for joining My Autumn Journey. I hope you’ll come with me by clicking on “Follow” and entering your email to receive each post to your inbox. You will not receive anything else and you can unfollow at any time with one click.
In January, 2015 I depart for my next travel adventure (probably Atlanta – the Philippines – Brunei – Indonesia – East Timor – durations and destinations not yet finalised) and until then I will be sharing more of my inner-journey, including the exciting unexpected developments coming from learning to feel worthy of love. Follow now and don’t miss a thing! Cheers! Darren